WARNING

The story that follows is very blasphemous, some may say in bad taste. If this subject matter offends you, then please don’t read it. I am a Darwinist, I believe whole heartedly that we have all evolved from primordial swamps. I believe, all we are, is just a complex bacteria, when our life cycle ends, thats all she wrote. I understand the religious amongst you whole heartedly believe in the dogma you proclaim, we simply choose to have differing opinions. If I am wrong I may well burn in hell for all eternity, while you ascend to your prayed for paradise. I would also like to point out that Darwinists have never killed a newly discovered tribe to cements the worlds belief in our teachings, we have never started a war to enforce our theory’s and we have never gone in for terrorism. Although Darwin has more than likely wiped out a few species while on his travels, some animals are far to delicious to resist.

So you have been warned, read this at your own peril.

Chola cactus and black resin pen. More at Bespoke Woods Facebook page.

Under new management

“Hi Dad, yep, no worries, I will be down to see you in the office in five” Jesus hung up the phone, arranged the papers on his desk, grabbed his packet of white smokes, pulled one out and began to smoke, within a few minutes he was strolling down the corridor to God’s office. Even though he was thousands of years old, he lost count somewhere around 1,345 to 1,354, he just could not remember which way the 5 and 4 should be, and lets face it, most of the people in the world knew when his birthday was, they celebrated it religiously, every year, but the walk still felt like the walk to the headmasters office as a child. He knocked on the door…..
“Come in” A big voice boomed from the other side of the door.
God sat there behind his desk, Jesus had noticed he seemed to be a little more weary as the months past.
“Take a seat kid, we need to talk” God said, pointing, obviously, to the only other chair in the office. God was a frugal when it came to furnishing his office. He would not have had a desk if he did not have a love of wearing shorts to work, he loved the air on his legs, apparently. It had only been over the last few century’s that Jesus had talked him out of wearing beige socks with his sandals.

The ominous start to this meeting had Jesus very worried, he had not deleted his email inbox for a while, and was worried that he had been discovered sending sexy emails and ‘up cloak’ pictures to Medusa, and contacting below was a big no, no, to his dad.
“Look son, I’m knocking on a bit now, I have started to slow down, I want more free time, all the constant praying from people fanatical about you, your mum and me, undesirables kicking off when we send them down to hell. I just cant be doing it anymore, I flooded the bastards out one time, and that fucking Noah, fucked it. Like I would flood the planet with out a plan to repopulate it, the only joy was the look on his face when I sent him down stairs, so many tears I though we may need another ark, hahahahahaha” It seemed like the whole office shook as his body collapsed in to laughing convulsion, wheezing, tears streaming from both eyes, Jesus started to relax, his email history must still remain private. When god had finally got hold of him self, he began again…….
“Sorry, I just cant help hanging on to that mental picture. Anyway, where was I, oh yeah, getting old. I want to play golf once in a while, maybe fish, learn to whittle, blow glass, or some shit like that.” He stopped, picked up his mug and took a long draw on his morning coffee, droplets clinging to the beard just above his top lip, staining his immaculate white fur an unpleasant shade of brown.


“The coffee bean was one of my greatest creations, delicious, so, old, yeah, so I am going to retire. You know the business as well as anyone I know, we have built it together. I want you to be the General Manager of Heavenly affairs. What do you say?” He finished, and dunked a cookie in to his morning brew. Jesus was taken aback by the offer, he was, speechless, not a common state for him, being the one redeemer, and all that,
“Well? Did I spring it one you? Sorry kid” God said softly, and reached across the desk to squeeze his sons hand.
“Ah yeah, sorry dad, I was not expecting that…” Jesus began to stumble…
“You thought it was about your internet history and emails didn’t you?” God said with a little humour in his voice and winking at him, a smile spread across his face. Jesus let out a nervous little laugh, and his mind began to spin faster.
“I don’t blame you, Medusa is hot, I can take or leave the hair, but she has got a cracking rack, like two bald headed men under her top, whooooooar, just keep it discrete, otherwise all hell will break loose” God said in an encouraging tone…..
“I am getting too old for all that fire and brimstone bollocks, it a new millennia, time for a new broom” he finished. God smiled and made eye contact with his son,
“I would be honoured to take over from you, I feel proud that you see me in that way, thank you for this chance” Jesus spluttered over most of it, he was so close to tears of joy it was effecting his pitch.
“Good good” Replied god,
“Now, I will not be leaving completely, straight away, I will be here for guidance, and to help you along, and when you feel you have got the grip of it I will go, I will not be in everyday, just when we have something big coming up, but I will be available on the mobile” God said reassuringly. Jesus thought this would be perfect, it was a big step up, it was his time.

Jesus had been in the job for six months now, he had been making progress, and didn’t really need the stabilisation of Gods hand at all now. God had actually popped his head around his office door this morning and told him,
“Its my last day son, moving day for you, down to my vacant office, is that okay with you?” Of course it was okay, he had this. In the past six months he had trimmed the staff, down. He laid off St. Peter first, that had not gone down well, but there was a strict no booze and no drugs, while on duty. Off duty you could spend your days comatose of whichever intoxicant that floated you ark, eternity could drag a bit unless you had hobbies to fill your time. Never on duty though, in days gone by God would have cast them out, down to the fiery depths. Until, a few decades ago When all the big partying stars of the sixties began to overdose in the seventies, God briefly became a hippie, he could always be found in a smokey basement sitting cross legged getting stoned, and listening to the bongo’s and a sitar, some one always had bongo’s and sitar. After that, then some recreational drugs were accepted, then relaxed even further to include any intoxicant your hearts desired. Plus with super fast broadband, and the smart door bell meant he could always be on hand to answer a request at the gates, and let them in if they were suitable, we didnt need that bitter old soak manning the door every day.

Then there was the down scaling of the heavenly choir, it seemed to Jesus that it was a bit extravagant to keep them all on the payroll, the kids were listening to grunge and parking lot, or something like that. They had not made a decent album for a millennia. So, now its just Judas Iscariot, one man band, there he goes, bass drum on his back which booms every time he moves his right leg, a symbol attached to each knee, a mouth organ and an accordion,
“Who’s laughing now grass!” Jesus shouts as Judas thumped by, BOOM, BOOM, CHING, CHING, BOOM, BOOM.
“Snitches get stitches, stool pigeon” Jesus screamed above the noise, “Fucking nailed to a lump of wood, and on the long weekend too, ya bastard!”                                                                                                                 “Good Friday my arse!”, Judas just rolled his shame filled eyes and hung his head. His dad stepping aside was a real chance to settle a few scores, Jesus felt, for instance, Pontus Pilate was on bog duty, little knowing that at the end of each day, Jesus switches the toothbrush he uses to get in to the tight crevices of the gents toilet, with the one he brushes his teeth with in the morning, every day, with out fail. Then as a favour to his old friend John the Baptist he put Herodias and her daughter on the stage at the new lap dancing club, Peppermint Unicorn, while handing out raffle tickets and hanging coats, we have, Herod Antipas, he is also the man with the plunger when required to deal with the ancient plumbing.

Herod the great, was, obviously in charge of the nursery, well, he plays so nicely with babies. There were other jobs handed out to some the world’s borderline cases, mostly in purgatory. It is a god awful place, someone always writing on a squeaky chalkboard, the constant hum and flicker from the dirty fluorescent light, a door that no matter how carefully closed, always went with a ‘BANG!’. This is where that splitter Peter is, denied me not once, not twice, but three times, Jesus thought. He has been on the check in desk in purgatory ever since he arrived. I knew he would deny he knew me, I told him so. He who laughs last sunshine, Jesus muttered under his breath. Life is good he thought as he tilted back in his swivel chair, putting his feet on the desk, and Medusa’s new nipple piercing gave him a semi as he sat back and pictured her in his mind.

These were also very enlightened times in heaven, some of the, shall we say, naughty, people who were originally sent to hell or purgatory, could apply to have their cases re-opened, like wise, some of the cases of heavens occupants were re-evaluated. Some of the big names to be cast out, Mother Teresa, shocking, but logical. God had produced the most sumptuous world for the pleasure of all mankind, it was there to be enjoyed, she in Jesus’s eyes had wasted her opportunity to cut free, and instead helped others, living life without enjoying all that was on offer, open and shut. All of the ‘Dead Popes Society’, every pope to hold the office, who were they to believe themselves to be worthy of being able to forgive peoples sins in the name of God, jokers. 90% of them liked to have a hand in a young boys choir frock, and the other hand dolling out forgiveness. They caused a Right ruckus when they were being evicted, barricading themselves in to their homes, clinging on for dear life as they were dragged away kicking and screaming, happy days, he thought.

In the other direction, Attila the Hun, he was just misguided, just guilty of going a little bit over the top trying to do the best for his people, it happens, you know, one day training horses out on the plain, next day your so furious with other peoples incompetence’s you just have to go and sort it out. Be fair, those romans were no angels either. Then there was Herod the Great, his misguided greed to hold on to power, because of a rumour about the new kings birth, he had to go out and barbecue a few new born boys. His lawyer argued, very well, that greed was a bug in human programming, everybody has an inherent tendency to be greedy, for power, money or food. Since it was a bug in the programme, then that would be the programmer that was at fault, not the program or person. Jesus was won over, a very eloquent pitch. He liked an underdog, who had given it his best shot, and won the crowd over.

One such application had come across Jesus’s desk, only this morning. A Mr Adolf Hitler wanted to lay forward his argument, this one had a real outside chance of working out, but Jesus really wanted to hear what he had to say, excitement was not a big enough word for it. Jesus popped open his email account, and went to draft an invite, first he needed 20 minutes to deal with this email from Medusa. Once freshened up he run out a quick email to Mr Hitlers people laying out the time and place for the interview. He also sent an email for his father to make himself available, but gave no indication of the subject matter.

The meeting start bang on time, and the lawyer for Mr Hitler laid out his argument
“My client was just the public face, he was a great orator, he had no real power, it was the rest of the crowd that made decisions, there for I believe my client should be welcomed in to heaven with open arms” his lawyer stated. Jesus was disappointed, it was them, not me, and Jesus stood,
“If that is your only argument in defence, all I can say is I am disappointed. I did believe you may have, after seventy plus years have more to offer, and that’s the best defence you can give, very disappointed” Jesus began, starting to go red in the face,
“The atrocities were still perpetrated with your full knowledge, if, as you say, were just the public face of regime it is still your crime, but I don’t believe that was all you were, unless you can come up with more, I’m sorry to say, your situation will not change” he continued, then Mr Hitler stood, and began to speak,
“Look your holiness, I have been tortured down stairs since I arrived, back in 1945, it has been, literally, hell. I would do anything, anything to get in to paradise, anything, here, look, I will even give you my iron cross” Mr Hitler was pleading, tears streaming from his eyes. There was a quick discussion from the panel of judges, and Jesus stood again to speak,
“Right ladies and gentlemen, we are going to take a quick break for lunch, we have things we need to discuss, and during the break, maybe you can come up with a better reason for relocation” and with that Jesus brought his gavel down on its wooden plinth.

Jesus had been sitting in his office for about five minutes eating a bacon roll, when there was a knock on the door,
“Come in” Jesus shouted in reply to the knocking, and as he looked up God walked in and sat in the chair by the table,
“So son, hows it going, did he have a compelling argument?” God asked with plenty of humour in his tone, Jesus just shook his head,
“You wouldn’t believe it, he blamed everyone else, said he was just the face of the party, and made no decisions, then finished off by trying to bribe me with his iron cross!” He said in his most indignant tone,
“Hahahaha, what would you do with an iron cross? you couldn’t even carry the wooden one” God finished.

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