I could not shout it any louder,
To once more fall on deafened ears,
The murmured masses reply all at once in perfect unison,
In one single voice,
A hollowed shred of advice,
Grow a pair,
Three…two…..one….. Pull yourself together,
Life is bleak,
While trapped in this blackened thunder cloud,
Lost upon turmoil’s zephyr,
My frail plea lost onto the winds,
I want my mental break from this all too real life,
Installed back to factory settings,
To watch my dots of existence fade in clouded eyes,
And flicker to comatose,
Did my dishevelled appearance not ring a bell?
Did my apathy not prick an ear?
Did my hording of paracetamol and vodka not trigger a single thought?Were we both absent from us?
Lost in frustrations of my discontinuousness, Suffered upon my perpetual silences,
How did I ever become this repugnant?
Was I lost within my own mind?
To the ignorance of the world beyond my cataract vision, Behind my haunted eyes,
Lost within my innerspace,
My life on show,
As reels of celluloid flutter upon ice cold breezes, Whirlwinds of dust,
Odour’s flicker memories of chalk boards, And miss-behaviour,
Just seconds ago,
But many decades since,
The sundial of me,
Enters darkened hours,
My daylight lost upon my own judgemental gazes,
I cast over my blackened dust sheets,
To lose myself amongst,
To enshroud my flicker within,
As the westerly storms rumble my name,
Across the gathering thunder clouds,
In the immortal words of the king of rock,
Elvis, “W’ll thank’you’very’much”,
Let the devil take tomorrow, But for tonight I need a friend,
And back in the room,
I dose myself on mood enhancers,
Just to reach for my grumpy old man,
To grasp at melancholy,
And find self-mutilation,
As I backstroke the ocean of Guinness, And dive the depths of Jack Daniels Sea, And lose myself in in clouds of purple haze, Each day a facsimile of the last,
And I live on,
In the box of suicide Tuesday,
Ready for my dispatch,
I wake upon this single bed, Un-made or washed,
The stale air hums with emaciation, Defecation cuts beyond tender senses, Convulsions take involuntary hold,
As you gaze upon my death mask,
My hitches of breath fill their hearts with glee, As suns setting is wasted on me, One last time, Yesterday is beyond repair, Tomorrow is ours to fix, Don’t leave me alone, Help me though to suns rise.
This, if I had not made it clear in my writing, is about a day in the life of deep depression. For me this was 2013 up to now. I now understand the beast, and have more tools to defeat it, but it is such a powerful enemy, sometimes I am still as helpless as I ever was.
I try to explain to those non-sufferers I meet who more often than not are experts in the cure of my melancholia, even though they have never dealt with the beast itself. The explanation is simple, the most powerful muscle in your body, the brain, is what controls your entire life 24 hours day, performing a million and one tasks simultaneously to keep you alive, if this muscle says you are not getting out of bed, no amount of scorn or encouragement is going to make it change its mind..
I did not wish to have spent a life keeping it at bay with legal and illegal mood enhancers, this was done to function as a ‘normal’ person, and rage and anger were my tool to stop the inquisitive peeping behind the curtain.
The fact that you meet people suffering with mental health issues only goes to show how strong these people are, the temptation to leave this mortal coil, at your own hand, hangs there, nagging at you, every second, of every day. It is not a weakness or the result of a feeble mind, it is not a life style choice, it is unavoidable.