Thank you for choosing to stay with us here at the Heavenly Hilton, where we will take the pain out of Christmas. We have over 2000 years experience in putting on Christmas, and not only will you have a personal delivery from the actual St. Nick, but guest appearances from the likes of Mary and Joseph, Charles Dickens, Jesus and even the Great I am himself will be popping by. So just relax in the knowledge your Christmas break is in the safest of hands. Please find below the itinerary for the three night package. Anything you need while under our care please ask any member of staff.
2.30pm. Check in time. Once settled, the bar will be serving drinks and light snacks.
4.00pm welcome drinks and angel cakes served on the terrace.
7.00pm pre dinner drinks in the lounge.
8.00pm dinner is served in the dinning room.
Music from Elvis Presley and the decomp dozen (Drums-Keith Moon, Piano-Beethoven, Saxophone-John Coltrane, Guitar-Jimmy Hendrix, Trumpet-Louis Armstrong, Bass Guitar-John Entwistle, Violin-Antonio Vivaldi, Ukulele-George Formby, backing Vocals-Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, Buddy Holly and Marvin Gaye. Composition by John Lennon.
10.00pm Mary and Josephs account of the birth of the little baby Jesus. Guest appearances from Herod the Great and Balthazar (one of the wise men.)
11.30pm Meet in the car park for the coach. 11.45pm Midnight Mass (attendance compulsory)
1.15am Return to the lounge for mince pies and a nightcap before going to bed, eyes tight shut so you don’t spook Santa, he has not been the same since he delivered to Michael Hutchence in the late 90’s.
Christmas Carols supplied by the heavenly choir, featuring Pavarotti and Nat King Cole.
10.00am Morning Mass, coach leaves prompt at 10.15am (attendance compulsory)
12.00pm meeting by the Christmas tree in the lounge for presents and drinks.
1.00pm Meeting in the library for “Russel Harty interviews…..”.
This years guests include, Mary Magdalene, Judas Iscariot and George Best. Plus, Joseph brings you a step by step guide to this weeks woodworking project. Music from Emperor Nero and his magic fiddle.
2.00pm Pre lunch drinks in the bar, seated by 2.30pm for the Great Xmas feast.
3.00pm Gods annual Christmas Message.
4.00pm Gather back in the library for “Jesus cooks”
This years live demonstration is how to cook for a multitude with just a tin of sardines and a couple of scabby loaves.
5.00pm In the lounge, “Dickens Reads”…..Charles Dickens will be reading a seasonal story from his back catalogue.
6.00pm Movie in the library: “The Great Escape”, with optional commentary from Steve McQueen.
8.00pm buffet served in the restaurant with backing music supplied by Bing Crosby and Val Doonican.
9.00pm Movie in the library: “Scrooged”. With optional commentary from Charles Dickens (we are still waiting on Bill Murray).
11.00pm Fireworks on the terrace with mulled wine and finishes with the Big Bang.
12.00pm Time to let your hair down, and party. Live music, heavy drugs and booze, lets party like its Sodom and Gomorrah!
9.00am Breakfast and Alka-Seltzer in the dinning room.
10.30am Build up to todays big games.
Temple Mount XI v Roman All Stars (kick off 11.30), Athens Town FC v Egyptian Exiles (Kick off 1.30pm) England v Germany (kick off 4.00pm, then regularly through out the game, its gonna be war).
Pre game news.
Temple Mount will remain unchanged, for once. Roman All Stars have said, Pontius Pilate is still serving his club imposed ban for claiming that being relegated to the subs bench was worse than being crucified, they are expected to go with the same 11 that suffered at the hands of Gauls United last time out. Socrates and Archimedes are expected back for Athens Town after injury, while Agamemnon is still serving his three match ban for beheading the referee in their European cup tie against Troy Athletic a fortnight ago. Moses is likely to stick with the same side for Egyptian Exiles that beat Germany a week ago. England will try to stretch their lead at the top and Churchill is preferred in goal to Boudicca, Bobby Moore will try to lead his side to four wins from four over the festive period. Germany are continuing Himler in goal, Goebbels is replacing Hess on the right wing, Hess is still AWOL, and Karl Marx remains on the left wing. ‘Goddypower’ have an England win at 1-2 favourites with Germanys odds lengthening by the hour, currently offering odds of 12-1 for a German win. When the fun stops, stop. (Correct at time of going to print)
10.30am In the auditorium, Movie Time (Voting for selection of films closes at 9.30am)
*101. Monty Pythons Life of Brian.
*102. The sound of Music
*103. Ben Hur
*104. Evil Dead
*105. the Exorcist
*106. The Omen (I,II & III)
*107. Star Wars (full collection). *108. The Santa Clause.
10.30am In the bar for soft music and warm spirits
1.00pm Buffet lunch served in the restaurant.
6.00pm In the library for “Gods funniest moments”
This years offering, the Duck billed Platypus, Australia, The Candiru fish and why he banned bacon sandwiches for an entire religion, or two.
7.00pm In the library, “Through the keyhole, with Santa Clause and Rudolph”
“Stars in your skies”
This week, Oliver Reed as Sandie Shaw, Attila the Hun as Morrissey, Mother Teresa as 90’s Madonna, Helen of Troy as the Pogues front man Shane McGowen.
9.00pm In the lounge,
Mozarts String quartet play 1970’s Disco favourites.
10.00pm Music from the “Four Skins”
A selection of Ska and Two Tone classics, and who said God didn’t like a foreskin?
12.00am Party time, a good old fashion festival of Bacchanalia like the days of Ancient Rome, drink, drugs and lewd behaviour. Dress code, Togas only, (will be delivered to your rooms during the afternoon).
8.00am Breakfast served in the Dinning room until 9.30am.
11.30am Check out time, sharp!
Any malingerers past this time will be charged for another nights stay. Have a safe journey.
Thank you for your company this year, and hope to see you again soon.
(General Manager of the Heavenly Hilton)