The sorry story of Alex the Anaconda


Hello, my name is Steve and I am a green anaconda. Here is a little story of a friend of mine, we were childhood friends and our paths have crossed on a daily basis here in the swamp, looking for something tasty to eat ever since. Most anacondas know this story of Alex, it’s the kind of story mother anacondas tell there little ones as a warning, so get yourself comfy, settle down and I will begin……..

Alex, like me, was a large green anaconda, he was by no means the biggest, bigger than me, he was a good size. Here in the swamp there were bigger, of course, given the size of the swamp and its large food supply it is only common sense, and believe me, rabbits do really do it like rabbits. Talking of which, It reminded me of a meal he had just before we lost touch, a goat. He had fancied something large, but he said he would never try goat again, it had tickled his throat for days, not at all pleasant, apparently. Sorry, I digress, back to the sad story of Alex, he had grown in to a mighty fine example of anaconda, if you looked up anaconda in a dictionary, there is a picture of Alex. Mind you, if your dictionary has pictures, your probably not reading this. Anyhow, I digress yet again.

Alex had fallen in love with a very attractive female anaconda, Jenny. Everybody in the swamp knew she was a bit flighty; there were many snakes with broken hearts trailing behind her, and there is no sadder sight that a snake with a broken heart. Alex had imagined he could change her, he was convinced he could. It was a tumultuous relationship, no matter how hard Alex tried, he could never do enough to keep her happy, he even had a suspicion she was not all that faithful. The inevitable happened and she eventually left him for a rather attractive coral snake, but each to their own I suppose. He didn’t take it at all well, not well at all, and as you could imagine, he was devastated, she was awarded the nest in the divorce. Alex had worn his scales down to the skin, every weekend on the DIY, trying to get it just so, but never managed to get it good enough for her, she was never happy.

Post divorce Alex went downhill fast, one night stands, had gold fangs fitted, got a tattoo of a man on his back, and would kill animals just for the fun of the chase, not to eat. One day he just went off the grid, and I saw him less and less over the following months. I asked one our mates about him from time to time, with very little information reaching me, and the last time I had heard anything about him was that he had turned vegetarian. Well that was not exactly the last time, so I will just re-run the story, just to kill time until it’s time to kill, haha, makes me giggle to myself, every time, I am so fucking hilarious.

So anyway, Alex had apparently been led astray by the spider monkeys, they were a very new age, tie die t-shirts and banana skin bandana bunch. They would sit in the trees all day, masturbating, shagging and eating narcotic leaves, and if they were disturbed by a possible predator, they would fling excrement in all directions, a very unsavoury bunch. They were very free from the constraints of public opinion, they just didn’t care, they did what they wanted, when they wanted and with whom they wanted. It was not a life I had ever considered a good use of my time on this earth, I had often thought, you have to have some self respect. Alex in his broken hearted mindless wandering had begun to hang around in the trees and bushes with them, eating of all things, fruit, leaves and shoots, and getting stoned on coca leaves. He had in fact turned completely hippie, and he even wore a hat made of leaves, he found that having no ears the banana bandana they had made him would work its way down his body until it fell off of his tail. He had completely lost the plot, and, as everyone knew, the snakes digestive system didn’t really agree with all that vegetation and fruit, he was getting his five a day, but no protein. No snake had taken such a radical path in the history of the swamp. Alex had been much larger than me, and loved to eat big, he had been famous around the swamp for eating a horse and its rider, just for a light snack.

Apparently, the facts of this eventually hit Alex, he had lost half his body weight, had chronic diarrhoea and was absolutely starving, he had hundreds of ribs, you would see them all through his scales. By all accounts from those who had seen him, it was a very sorry sight indeed, he was more a green shoelace than the mighty anaconda he once was. He was making his way back to the swamp one glorious hot summer’s day, still a little stoned on the monkeys home brew and coca leaves, looking for something smallish and full of protein just to ease the pains from his digestive system, when he stumbled across a crocodile just basking in the hot sun. It was an easy kill he thought, so Alex slowly and quietly weaved his way towards the black caiman, as Alex slithered closer, it didn’t even twitch. He was so sleight the cayman knew nothing until Alex had completely encompassed it, and he squeezed the caiman with all his might, which was just a shadow of his pre breakdown and vegetarianism strength, they wrestled for hours, and as the warm sun dipped behind the trees, Alex had finally got it in to swallowing position as the moon and stars graced the black velvet sky. He did eventually swallow the cayman whole, but alas, neither of them had survived this all you can eat buffet. When they were eventually found, it appeared as though someone had stuffed a crocodile in to a snake skin handbag four sizes too small.

It was a sorry end, to a sorry twelve months for Alex, and although the story was used as a light hearted story to end Anaconda Tonight, the regional news show, I found it neither light hearted or funny, it was just a sad end to one of the truly huge Anacondas, and my friend. In my life he was not going to be forgotten for a long time, and when on a slither for food from then on I was always in mind of the fact that less, sometimes is more.

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